Fri, 30 Mar 2007 10:08:32 GMT

I had a session with the lady psychologist this morning. We spoke about my eating disorder, how it gives me control. We spoke about my boyfriend and how I feel violated whenever I sleep with him. I can't seem to let go of the past and all the sexual abuse. It comes up in my romantic relationships. She said maybe that's why I feel so safe with my brother. He doesn't want anything from me and I feel comfortable with him.

My boyfriend might be having a baby with another chic. She fell pregnant before we got together and there are three canidates to be the father. It is really freaking me out. He didn't do anything wrong as we weren't together then but I can't seem to keep myself from judging him for being so careless and weak. I see sex as a weakness. Why can't people just resist that primal urge?

Anyway, her mother just called me now to hear if she can do my hair for a competition (she is an apprentice hairdresser). I really don't want to as I don't want my hair cut or died another color besides black. I made some excuse. I don't want to see her belly and be reminded that it might be his child in there. When he told me about the situation I promptly lost 11 lbs the next month. I am really struggling to deal with this.

Our relationship has changed in the last two weeks. I've been more and more depressed. I don't have anything to say to him and I don't want him to touch me at all. His touch makes me aggressive...

Dark World, Dark Mind